If someone had said to me 7 years ago that I would one day be writing about what my birth trauma gifted me – I probably would’ve wanted to punch them in the face.
Tomorrow my first baby turns 7. He is kind, beautiful, sensitive and gentle and is a constant, living, breathing symbol of what love created and what love can help us endure.
Noah was birthed in to a crowded, brightly lit room at 17:57pm on a Autumn Tuesday with the aid of forceps.
Whilst this was a far cry from the birth I had envisioned, like I imagine most mothers’ in those frantic moments – I would have agreed to anything to keep him safe.
As I laid flat on my back, numb from the waist down – legs akimbo, like heavy, lifeless planks resting in stirrups with a flurry of action happening all around me I remember thinking,
‘how the fuck have I ended up here’.
Moments that felt like an eternity later, someone finally laid Noah’s little body alongside mine on the bed and I remember his little eye was closed and sore from where the forceps had caught him.
Our eyes met in that second and I knew that I would and could endure anything for this little person and I was flooded with total love.
I remember his little voice, the tiny little whimpering sounds. He nuzzled quickly in to my breast and stayed there for the next 18 months and this became the place of safety for both of us.
Those first days were all feeds and measuring urine and the odd poke around between my legs – with little indication that things were not as they should be and very few glimmers of care or compassion.
Sadly this casual approach to my vagina and my care was like the start of what was to come – but little did I know that those first days were actually the predecessor for what became years of physical and emotional pain, intrusion, poking, slicing, stitching, being passed from pillar to post with nobody accepting any responsibility and my identity, self-esteem and everything I thought I knew slowly slipping away.
That day in the operating theater stripped me of so much more than the birth I had envisioned and my dignity.
It was the start of a violent storm that crashed within me; I was held captive by fear and seized by distrust.
Yes It’s true – the old me would’ve always been changed, with or without any trauma – after all becoming a Mother is the most trans-formative experience of your life and that of your relationship, but this was so much deeper than that.
My marriage was so much in its infancy and suddenly my husband was thrust in to a role neither one of us had been prepared for.
He was the only continuity of care. The only way of knowing the progress of my healing.
He became my eyes when I couldn’t bear to look. He helped me face the truth of the damage that had been afflicted upon me and showed me the type of unconditional love that is immeasurable.
It was fucking HELL.
He and my family nursed me back to recovery when I needed operations and faced an uncertain fate.
He didn’t leave me when there was so little left in the marriage for him.
He has been kind and patient well beyond the physical recovery because the fact is that even when the pain had dissipated, the psychological damage remained and I will never be who I was.
But it’s also the path that led me to where I am today.
It was the year of psychosexual therapy that we went through that helped my husband understand the gruelling nature of the training I then went on to do in the aftermath of this hell to gain my Masters in Relationship Therapy.
It’s the real and raw understanding and the passion which is the backbone of my teaching about why choice and education is so fucking important when you are going to have a baby and how your partner plays such an intrinsic part in this.
It’s why every one of my family members has supported me in my work and developing my business.
And it is now me.
The trauma doesn't define me, but the letting go and relinquishing to something else is the Mother I became, the relationship I have and so much more.
It means that my approach to hypnobirthing is from a unique, authentic place and I do drop the ‘F’ bomb a lot, but I’m really proud of how far I and WE have come.
And Noah is everything and more. His birth gifted me so much;
It taught me about myself and about marriage and about the greatest gift of letting go.
Turning to the light when it feels like there is only darkness.
Healing starts from within, but I know what it's like to not know where to even begin.
If you can relate to any of this or have experienced birth trauma, get in touch. You can find more details about my work and services here. And in celebration of healing - I am offering the Rewind Technique treatment at a discounted price - sign up to my newsletter to find out more.